On the subject of my Day in Court

I did it. I admit it. I have no defense.

Somehow, I got away with it and am now moving on with life. Happily, the man to the right was not the one holding my consequences in his hand.

Today, I was in traffic court, and from the beginning, I tried to obey all the rules. After all, not obeying, or more accurately, not realizing I was disobeying the rules was why I was there in the first place. The charge was 40 in a 35. Supposedly I was going 48, but I didn't think it was that bad. I thought it was grounds for a warning, but it was not my day... so here I am.

NO FOOD OR DRINK. NO CELL PHONES OR PAGERS ARE ALLOWED IN THE COURTROOM. So back to the car I went to put away the cell phone and drink I had brought with me.

Not wanting to look too pompous, I dressed conservatively. No jacket or tie, just a nice looking shirt and slacks. It was a stark contrast to the guy who appeared to be right off the party boat with visor, t-shirt, cargo shorts and flip flops. The bailiff came in and ordered the removal of the visor. The defendant removed it, but cockily placed the sunglasses that accompanied the look in the place where the visor once was placed.

We all rose as the Judge appeared. I chuckled to myself. He looked just like J. Jonah Jameson, straight out of Spiderman. I was not amused however, as my friend Steve said this was going to be an easy process. He told me that his experience was that the judge was really nice (his was a woman) and very funny (she would have a second career on the stand-up circuit according to Steve.) My helpful and wise friend said, "just keep your mouth shut and you'll be fine." Easy for you to say! (Friends laughing uproariously now.)

As it turns out, J. Jonah... er... the judge was extremely nice. He explained we could contend, mitigate, or defer. He said to defer is to get out of traffic court free, minus 100 bucks. No record of the ticket would be made - no reporting to the insurance company.

Well, I was relieved. He told those who wanted to defer to line up to the left "and I will have you out of here in 5 minutes." One by one, we stepped up, but now he was looking at his computer monitor checking something. He was checking our driving records before deciding on granting the deferral. It's not a slam dunk as it sounded.

Like approaching the Soup Nazi, I moved towards the bench. "Last name!?!" 

"Horton, H-O-R-T-O-N," I said sheepishly, wondering if he was about to yell, NO DEFERRAL FOR  YOU!

He looked at his monitor and said, "this is perfect." I blinked wondering what he meant. "You have nothing on your record, what would you like to do?"

In a very respectful manner I answered, "Your Honor, I believe that the officer in question was just trying to fulfill his monthly quota and was picking on me. I had people passing me right and left, and the hill I was traveling down... well it's so damn steep there is no way in hell anyone could go 45 without slamming on the brakes, let alone 35! And one more thing, the sign is barely noticeable, as the trees are covering it. Plus, it was a rainy day, and you know those radar guns don't work in the rain. So, I think you should throw this meaningless case out of court, and buy me a dinner for wasting my time to be here."

"Just keep your mouth shut and you will be fine," I remembered Steve saying.

Oh well.

Thankfully, the truth is that I said simply, "I'd like deferral."

The judge replied, "great!" and sent me on my way.

After a quick visit to the court clerk with a 100 dollar thank you card, or my Visa, one of the two, my day in court was over. No Perry Mason moment. No Matlock surprise. Just the editor of the Daily Planet sending me on my way.

I promise to be good. Really I do.

Good night, Your Honor. Now, like I was saying...

Yours truly,

Johnny Blogger