On the Subject of Fear

With the fact I barely post anymore, I don't know who will read this in the first place... but your fun-loving blogger and man about town is not scared out of his wits, just a little afraid.

You see, it's my mind I cherish the most. It's my ability to make other people have an emotion courtesy of something that I have accomplished. Whether it is a video I have made, or a television show I have produced, or a simple blog entry I have written, if it made you feel something, I feel like I am doing it for the right reason.

Today, I am writing for myself in hopes that you will just join me for the ride, and if you do have something to take from it, great. 

About 12 days ago, I got a headache. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary as I get them all the time. You see, I worry a lot. I stress a lot, and after this blog you will see that in spades. However, this headache seemed different. 

Sure, there were some stressers at work, like dealing with an invasion of my workplace by an outside force that seemed too much to bear. There is always the fact that my Dad's house is still on the market nearly two and a half years after his death and with it the ability and responsibility to move forward and leave behind. My late Mom was on my mind a lot as it is her calmness and desire to help that gets me through most of my most challenging days.

Many describe me as a basketball. Just when you think I am down, I bounce back up and give myself an opportunity to do something. I haven't been down lately, so there is nothing I feel like I need to bounce back from... but this headache, this thing in my brain will not let me rest.

Migraines... that is what Dr. Google would think. Many of my friends have them and all the symptoms were there... except the blurred vision and lights. Cluster headaches... that is it - right behind my eyes... except it isn't behind my eyes.

I went right along working with them as the intensity grew, but did not keep me from functioning.

Go to the doctor, my honey said, and after 5 days of these headaches, I did. He gave me something to take if they got worse, then told me to keep him up to date. He said from my description he did not have a lot to go on.

Then I got home. I had the day off and went to Costco with the Mrs. but half way through the shopping trip, I could not stand up without wanting to collapse into the fetal position. The pain had become too much, and I took one of the pills the doctor had prescribed for me, and we went home. I just crawled into bed and did not crawl out for any time for the next three days. Every time I stood, it intensified. I lie down in bed, it subsides but still does not release.

Then the real challenge. I had to go to work on Thursday. The doctor had been called with an update but there was no reply. Simply put, it was one of the most stressful days at work I could imagine, yet, there was this peacefulness all around me. I was handling it well, protecting those around me and doing what was right to do. My aches did not subside, but my soul was filled.

The next day, I had a full day of work, but now the pain was down to a 5. Earlier in the week, standing up would be a 9. The aches would peak at a 7 before a pill and go down to a 4.. but never below a 3. I always knew it was there.

The doctor wrote me an e-mail and his assistant called. They wanted to go deeper and check it out. Yes folks, they officially asked me to have my head examined. Yes, the dreams of thousands who have told me before, now substantiated by a request from the doctor - Jon - Go Get your Head Examined. Okay, they did not put it in that way, but they did schedule a CT Scan.

The weekend was a mix of work and watching my kids play basketball. Throughout the weekend, I have found this aura of strange calmness and emotional desire overcoming me. The confident, fun loving guy you all know felt like a gentle old man.

Last night, I rehearsed with an improv group, and all my faculties seemed to be there... we did some karaoke, and laughed. When I got home though... the traces of my ache still there... all I wanted to do was hold my wife's hand and not let it go.

I guess I just felt scared. I am sure they won't find anything, but what if they do? My wife calls this future tripping. I do it a lot. 

I am confident there won't be anything there, but if there is not, then there is no answer to why these things won't go away. There are no classic symptoms to put a label on it... just like the answers given to me about the illness that one of my kids has.

The mystery, my friends, is the real killer symptom. So do I want them to find something? No. Do I want them to find something? Yes. A conundrum of the highest order.

I go in at 4:15... I am guessing it is one of those things that they will make you wait more days for a result. I am fearful of what they will find. I'm am fearful if they find nothing... because it will make me feel this is all just something in my head... which of course it is... but no one would believe me.

I'll let you know what they find, or don't. And I thank you for sharing this moment in uncertainty with me. I will try to resume my regularly scheduled mayhem soon.

Take care,

Yours truly,

Johnny Blogger